I eat this because I love you...

This morning was a little unusual as I got my first call to sub. It was only 1/2 day so I wasn't rushing to get ready in the morning. However, we were having friends over for dinner and I still had to go to the grocery store and tidy up a little bit. As I was making my mental grocery list I was trying to get Ellie to tell me what she wanted for breakfast. She asked me if I would make her oatmeal. I sighed and quickly reminded her that my oatmeal never comes close to tasting as good as Daddy's oatmeal.Quickly I was reminded of the six months that we were away from Eric where I was often reminded that my "dishes" did NOT taste like Daddy's! :-) She promised me she would help me as she "has watched Daddy make it and knows how to do it."
I made the oatmeal and placed it in front of her. She tasted it, paused and said, "Hmmmmm, this tastes different!" I told her that I had warned that my oatmeal does not match Daddy's! She looked very serious and said, "Mom, Daddy's oatmeal tastes better but you do make good things! You make good toast!" I looked at her with a silly look and shook my head. Then she continued, "Also that dinner you made last night was very wonderful!" (It was mac and cheese ....the velveeta kind!) Then she finished...."And Mommy, I eat this oatmeal because I love you!" She continued eating it and assured me it wasn't "that bad actually!"
She was totally serious and bent on affirming me and being sure that I was loved and appreciated. Now, in all seriousness, I was not worried or insecure about my oatmeal! I gave up on trying to match his cooking a long time ago. I was, however, touched by her unsolicited kindness. Moments like these (in her case)sometimes seems so rare! I feel like I am always correcting, chiding, reminding, basically keeping her pinned down! Today reminded me that there is a sweet love in her heart that I must continue to nuture! It is totally in the seed stage, but I did see some sign of a sprout today!!! She ate my oatmeal because she loves me!

Thank you for your resume....but...!

This morning I was asked by my 11 year old, "What DO you do all day long?" Humorously I have been asking myself that same question for about 2 weeks now. I have found myself with a ton of time on my hands....a total 180 of my previous life of living on caffeine and burning the candle at both ends. I actually have struggled with this exorbitant amount of time. What humored me most about her question was that I have actually resorted to planning out my every minute of my day so that I can feel like I have accomplished something. It was apparent to me that I did not know what to do with all of this time that I used to so desperatly crave!

It is not like I actually thought I would land a job as soon as I set foot in Missouri. But I did not intend for it to seem so dismal. Here are the following job prospects so far and where I stand in the process of finding a job!

I have completed the application process and background check for my Missouri lisence. While it was not terribly difficult it just involved a lot of forms, requests and paying $10.00 here, $35.00 there, etc. But it is done and I should be getting in in the next 8 weeks.

Since finishing that process I have heard about 2 openings in the local schools. I applied and recently found out that 60 people applied and only 40 were called back. I was not among the 40. So, it seems like that door is shut!

In addition I gave my resume to a private school as well and received notification of "thank you for your resume...but there are no current openings at this time."

Each time I have investigated a school system they seem to be under "budgetary" issues and even the employees are wondering if they will have a job! Our distance from town keeps me from subbing in the various schools as it would be hard to manage home and spontaneuos early morning calls. I will be applying to sub at the girls' school and will be interested to see what pans out with that.

On a side note I did consider just finding a "regular" job to help catch up from the move and allow us to finish those projects that we want to do on the house. The two prospects so far were:
1) The Statue of Liberty Mascot for Liberty Tax Inc. ---I feel like the MO wind would be enough to avoid that one!
2) The second one was artificially inseminating sow and general sow care.-- I lacked the previous experience on that one, so I didn't even apply.;-)


Perhaps, referring back to my daughter's question this morning, the Lord wants me to work at being a domestic goddess! Honing in on some of those skills certainly would only benefit my family. Seriously, it is not that I do not enjoy staying home, it was just not really in our thinking as what I would do now that the girls are older and of school age.

This whole idea of will I, should I, can I, do I need to, where will I work... has sparked a need for a new kind of personal trust. While I have realized that I need to allow the Lord to reveal His plan for me, allowing it to be purely a matter of trust is sometimes difficult. I have recently read that the "essence of trust is to be convinced of the reliability if God. From the depths of a purified heart trust clings to the belief that whatever happens in our lives is designed to form Christ within us." This unwavering confidence in the reliability and love of God allows us to thank God for all things.

Now, I seriously do not think I will be dressing up as the Statue of Liberty and I praise GOD for my lack of experience in artificially inseminating sow! But I will sit tight in my trust and learn each day how to truly believe and live out the reliability of God. I am confident that He will show me what to do.

Things I Know Since I've Been To MO!

Lots of reflection and learning is going on at East State Route 2, Harrisonville, Missouri! It is a paradox of sorts. I feel like we just got here, yet our move seems like ages ago. I feel like sometimes this is a very familiar place, yet I still have cause to get out my GPS when I have no idea where the blazes I am. Overall, I can't get over what I have learned and continue to learn. Some things....very mundane bordering on humorous, while others causing paradigm shifts in my life.

First change is never easy. I have prided myself on taking change with stride.I have had CONSTANT CHANGE in my life and I have always embraced it as I know it brings self reflection and growth. This change has certainly brought that by the droves. I seem to have been knocked down a few pegs and realize I am not the SUPER WOMAN I once self proclaimed to be! There has been a lot of QUIET moments over the past six weeks which have caused me to ponder, think, reflect and any other verb that you can conjure up that means THINKING! I have had moments that range from aha moments to powerful epiphanies that have encouraged me, challenged me, and even moved me to tears. I have had times of stillness that I have not had in.... actually I don't know how long it has been. While some days I have felt that I have been wrapped up in nothingness (thanks KD for that phrase) I really can say that the time of just being alone and by myself (while not always enjoyable) has yielded a new list of goals, prayers of forgiveness, a view of myself that is less than desirable. Some days these alone times were arduous and painful, other days invigorating. I still think change is not easy. But I will say the benefits have been more along the lines of what change is supposed to be.....something that takes us out of our comfort zone and causes us to think, ponder, review and hopefully RENEW.

Another lesson I have learned is that it has been a long time since I have been in a place where I don't "know" people. The last time that happened (I think) was my Freshman year in college. I don't need to remind you that that was some time ago! I really thought that making friends would be easy and that I would attack it with great ease. After all, I am a great person to hang out with...at least my friends tell me that I am. Seriously, I was kind of excited about that aspect of our move but then quickly realized that it is not all that easy for me to just do that. I didn't realize how comfortable I was with the friends I had and have missed those friendships immensely. Now before my East coast friends read this and feel sorry for me and my new Mid western friends read this and say...."Now wait a minute...." I include this because I have learned from my experience of "not knowing" anyone how very important it is to always be in a state of reaching out....ALWAYS!! I have been blessed with getting to know some wonderful ladies and look forward to building more friendships as time continues. I have enjoyed my Tuesday morning coffee time as well as starting a new small group with our church. God has been faithful and has used several people to make me feel comfortable and at home in a new place.

Interestingly, I have learned that while I knew I had "family" who lived here I have enjoyed learning how it all fits together. We really never spent much time with Eric's family.So, it has been fun to hear about who is related to whom. Some ladies from the church got together for lunch one afternoon and invited me. Before it was over I found out that two of the ladies were actually second cousins of Eric's.It is in deed a smaller world when you live close to family. His uncle gave us some genealogy books too that have been fun to look through. It may mean we have to go to the local "matchmaker" before the girls start courting anyone to make sure that we aren't related! **laughs** I do have one friend who keeps me straight on who is who and gives me a heads up as to who I am related to!

Also, living in the 'country' takes getting used to. It has been an adjustment for me to get used to living "out" and away from everyone. The girls abhor when we use the phrase "going into town" They feel like we are going to hitch up the horses or something. (We have fun with that.) But in all seriousness we have learned the importance of getting an accurate store list and that sometimes you just do without and get creative.

While we have not experienced quite the winter that our East Coast friends have had, one thing that I have learned (that my Mother has been trying to tell me for at least 40 years) is "I NEED A COAT AND A PAIR OF BOOTS!" I have finally succumb to that and purchased a pair of boots and a warm winter coat. I know my Mom is relieved. When it is cold here....it is a cold like I have never felt before. And the rural roads require boots...It is just how they roll!

Finally, when we first decided to move here I really thought that the move was going to be all about a change for Eric. He finally would get to do something that he would enjoy, etc. And as for me, well, I would continue to do what I always did! That was my biggest aha moment....actually I think I labeled that as an epiphany! I was making my bed one day and it hit me. This move was not just for Eric. It was just as much for me. The Holy Spirit confirmed to me that I am to use this time to grow, stretch, and learn. Some of the lessons (like I said)have been painful while others have been an encouragment. But none the less.... I am learning. I am reading a book called the Ragamuffin Gospel by B. Manning. He uses the analogy of pouring water into a basin. When you first pour the water in the basin it splashes on the bottom and against the side. To be able to see your clear reflection of who you really are is not possible because of the swirling water and the disturbance.As it gradually begins to settle, it is then that we can see our true relfection. He goes on to say that it takes time to settle. He says, "Coming to interior stillness requires waiting. Any attempt to hasten the process only stirs up the water anew" So I am waiting. I am listening. I am learning. And I know it will all be for my good and His glory!